Assalamalaikum (Peace be upon you), Dear Readers,
How to be a good husband in Islam is something that every Muslim man should learn before entering into a wedlock. For a long time now, I have been wondering why so much has been written about a woman being an “Ideal wife in Islam” as against writing about a man being an “Ideal Husband in Islam”. Allah says “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [Al-Baqarah 2:228]“?
Aren’t men included in this command? If there are things that wife needs to do for husband, then there are things that husband also has to do for wife. The rulings on rights of Husband and wife on each other are very clear in Islam, which is not found in any other religion or its scriptures.
Although awareness is needed to educate women regarding their duties to their husband, it is equally important to stress the need to educate the men regarding their duties to their wives. Why has it always been that only women are instructed to sacrifice, to dedicate, to be patient etc when it comes to their husband? Why aren’t husbands instructed in the same way??
The Husband expects every good from his wife, but when it is his turn to reciprocate, he ignores it. This is a common scenario world wide, irrespective of which community one belongs to. It is very important to reiterate this aspect of Islam so that husband-wife relation becomes more stronger and pure.
Woman was made from the rib of the man (as Qur’an confirms), She was’nt created from his head to top him, Nor from his feet to be stepped upon, She was made from his side to be close to him, From beneath his arm to be protected by him, Near his heart to be loved by him.
Once the prophet (Pbuh) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, “What’s the matter?” She replied, “If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you.” The Prophet (Pbuh) asked, “What did he say?” She replied, “Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see.” So the Prophet (Pbuh) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, “Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more.” [Narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina.]
Such was the lovely relation between Prophet and his wives. There are many narrations in the books of hadiths which speak about how Prophet (Pbuh) used to treat his wives, that is, with great respect and love. He was very caring and always tried to keep them happy. He understood the nature of a woman well and hence dealth with them accordingly.
The following are some of the quotes from Sahih Hadith regarding treatment of women:
Jabir (ra) narrates that Rasoolallah (Pbuh) also gave these instructions in his sermon during the Farewell Pilgrimage. “Fear Allah regarding women; for you have taken them (in marriage) with the trust of Allah”. (Mishkat)
The Holy Prophet (Pbuh) has said during the farewell sermon: “O people, your wives have a certain right over you and you have certain rights over them. Treat them well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers”. (Tirmidhi)
Abu Huraira (ra) reported Allah’s messenger as saying, “The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives “ (Tirmidhi)
Abu-Darda (ra) narrated that the Prophet (Pbuh) instructed him: “Spend as much as possible upon your family. . . “
The Prophet (Pbuh) has said: “Helping wives (in their domestic work) earns (men) the reward of charity.”
Al-Aswad (ra) Narrated: I asked A’isha (ra), “What did Rasoolallah (Pbuh) do at home? ” She said, “He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.” (Sahih Bukhari)
During the farewell Pilgrimage the Prophet (Pbuh) said to the camel driver: “Anjasha, drive slowly; for you are carrying (on the camels, women, delicate like fine) glassware.” (Sahih Muslim)
Abu Qatadah (ra) Narrated that the Prophet (Pbuh) said: “When I stand for prayer, I intend to prolong it, but on hearing the cries of a child, I cut it short, as I dislike to trouble the child’s mother.” (Sahih Bukhari)
Rasoolallah (Pbuh) has said: “O men. There is a reward in your affinity with the wife.” (Ibn Hiban)
Therefore, let me give you a few pointers on How to be a good husband in Islam:
Treat her with respect & Care: Remember Allah said that your wife is made out of your rib, which is very close to the heart. This means that she is not meant to be oppressed or subjugated or harassed. Have you ever tried to harass your organs closer to heart? How about cutting of an artery which is close to heart? How about breaking all the ribs? Well, you know the result. Therefore, woman has been made out of something close to the heart which means she needs to be cared, protected and loved.
Refrain from insulting your wife: Never insult your wife, degrade her or make fun of her in front of others. Nor should you ever tell about her weakness to others. She is not your slave or servant, rather she is your partner of life. So treat her that way!
Give time to your wife: Irrespective of how busy you are, take out time for your wife. Spend time with her, take her out, talk to her and listen to her. Keep one day of the week dedicated to your wife, like Sunday, and let her know that you dedicated it specially for her. This makes her feel special in your eyes.
Listen to her attentively: A good husband is always a good listener. Listen to everything that your wife talks about and try to indulge in the conversation. Don’t give a deaf ear to your wife. How would you feel if someone gives deaf ear to you when you speak? Trust me, it is really annoying. So stop doing this to your wife and start listening to her attentively.
Praise your wife’s beauty: Always praise your wife’s beauty in front of her, irrespective of how ugly she is in reality. Try to make her feel special. Use statements like “I have never seen a more beautiful woman than you” or “You are the most beautiful woman in this world” or “I am so lucky to find such a beautiful woman” or “Even if the beauty of this entire universe comes together, it is no match to your beauty” and so on…Praising the beauty of a woman gives her great happiness. So do it regularly and as often as you can. This will keep her happy.
Exchange gifts frequently: A’ishah reported, The Prophet (Pbuh) said: “Give gifts to one another, for gifts take away rancour.” The gift may not be necessarily an expensive one. Giving a simple “I love you” card also counts in gifts. Try to buy her a dress or something that she wants. If you can’t afford it, then at least let her know that you are eagerly collecting money to buy that thing for her. Trust me, she will be flattered by this gesture and finally you don’t really have to buy it!
Learn to give physical pleasure: It is a common complaint from married women that they are treated like a Sex toy and that husbands satisfy themselves and do not care for the satisfaction of the wives. Remember that women are humans to and they too have physical needs. A good husband not only enjoys her wife, but also reciprocates the same to his wife. This is called a healthy mutual sex life.
Consulting others on mutual consent: A good husband always takes the permission of his wife before consulting on their marital problems with others. A woman feels much more comfortable if it is discussed with someone she can trust. So make sure you take her consent.
Applaud your wife: A good husband always encourages her wife in everything she does. Encouraging a woman in every task makes her perfect. For example, a wife might not cook well. But if she is trying hard to learn, a good husband would praise her cooking and effort thus encouraging her to become perfect in it.
Share the responsibility: Is there are rule that husbands should not look after the kids or the household work? Absolutely No! Look at the example of our Prophet (Pbuh). The Prophet (Pbuh) said “Helping wives (in their domestic work) earns (men) the reward of charity.” Narrated Al-Aswad (ra): I asked A’isha (ra), “What did the Prophet (Pbuh) do at home? ” She said, “He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.” (end quote). So start helping out your wife in washing clothes & dishes, cleaning the house, changing the diaper of your baby and all the related work when you are at home. Stop behaving like a NUT just because you earn for the family. You have no idea how hard it is for a woman to manage work! Get off that couch on holidays and help out your wife!
Forbiddened to hate: It is Haraam (forbidden) to hate your believing wife. Allah’s Messenger (Pbuh) said “A believing man must not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another (of her good qualities).” No human is perfect. Your wife might have some qualities that are displeasing to you, but there are surely some characteristics that are very pleasing to you. Prophet commanded us to look for those good characteristics in her.
Give her freedom (shariah compliant): Your wife is a human and requires freedom and space to breath. Don’t push her too much that she breaks down. Give her freedom as far as she is within the limts that Allah has defined. The same goes for you as a man. Both men and women can practice freedom within the limits defined by Allah. Let your wife have freedom to think, to do what she wants and to decide in matters. Ask her to advice you in your decisions for the family. This makes her feel special.
Handle her with care: Woman is fragile both physically and mentally, hence handle her with Care!
I hope these 2 cents from my side will help you improve your marital life, inshallah!
Praise be to Allah.
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